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Friday, April 5, 2013

Heart Beat

i had an appointment with my midwife yesterday.
THE appointment.
the one where we get to hear the heart beat.
i have been anxiously awaiting this appointment because something paranoia had me convinced that i was no longer pregnant.
so much so that i had already invisioned the text/blogpost/calls that i would have to make saying that we had lost the baby.
so much so that as much as i wanted to have that moment of hearing the heart beat on camera, i couldn't bear to have on camera us finding out that we had lost the baby. so i didn't bring the camera.
so much so that i had already invisioned calling in sick the next day because how could i possibly go to go into work the next day like everything was normal,
when in reality i had just lost a part of me, a part of us. our baby.
this was a real fear that i did not want to be my reality, but i knew that i had no control over it.
so we made it to our appointment, brock got off a couple hours early so he could make it with me, which i was/am very grateful for. again, becuase i was so scared that i wouldn't hear the heart beat and the thought of being there all alone when that happened was unbearable.
sadly, these were my very real thoughts.
but i am so relieved and ecstaticly happy to say that we heard that little heart beat beatin away!
it was music to my ears.
i didn't realize the severity of what that little sound would do to me.
immediately i felt an immense bond with the little life that is growing inside me.
immediately this all became REAL.
immediatley amisdt tears, i was so releaved that our baby was in there moving and thriving.
immediately i felt gratitude to my Heavenly Father who has made this miracle happen and
has given us this amazing opportunity.
that little swooshing heartbeat brought on a flood of emotion and excitment and gratitude.
there is a baby growing inside me guys!!!!!
brock was so sweet and just as excited to hear that little heart beat. he keeps reminding me what it sounded like and will make the sound =)
he told me thanks for being a good momma and gave me a sweet hug in the parking lot after we left the office.
what an amazing day and an amazing gift we have to be women and mothers and carry babies!!
i am so relieved to have heard the heart beat and to now be in my second trimenster (15 wks today) where the risk of miscarriage is much much lower. i will not waste any more of my time worrying that i have lost my baby and will soak up every moment of this pregnancy till this baby is here (headaches included i guess) all the while keeping in mind that Heavenly Father has control over everything and he knows what is best for me and my sweet husband and our little family.
we will get to see the baby on the 13th of may when i have my first (and only, unless there are any complications or need) ultrasound! that will be another trip, actually being able to SEE the little thing in there!
another picturless post =( boo. i will be better about taking pics. brock-help me k?