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Thursday, September 27, 2012

dreaming....

beware: this is a vent/pitty session.

let me begin by expressing my gratitude to the fact that we own a home that we love and do not have to throw our money away to renting. 

now that that is out of the way, let the venting begin.

we live in the ghetto. this is known. its been a little joke between us. when people ask us where we are living, we say, "have you ever heard of the ghetto? that's where we live"
when we got married this area was the only area we could afford with the money we had.
while we do love our little house, that has become our home, the area is less than "homey".
i have always been aware of my surroundings, aware that it is not the most ideal location, but have tried to make the best of it and be grateful for what i have. 
but sometimes the reality of where i live comes crashing down on me. 
like tonight.....

i was called into the rs presidency in my ward a few weeks ago, and we as a presidency are visiting sisters that have recently joined the ward. taking cookies, welcoming them, you know the drill.
ALL of the sisters that we have visited so far (12 total in two days) are VERY inactive to say the least.
which is fine. but, the lifestyles they choose to live make it somewhat scary entering into their homes to visit with them. the spirit is so far from them and the environment that they have created for themselves is....less than welcoming.

for example, tonight we visited with a sister who acted very much like she was on something. we entered into a dark home with multiple drapes and sheets covering the windows. 
she told us about how her daughter is in prison, her son in jail and her husband also in prison. she is jobless, no food, being evicted in 20 days and just not in the best life situation. 
let me just say this, i have come from a family with their own set of problems. i in no way shape or form judge these people for living a life different than mine. i feel for them and do wish the best for them, even if they make different choices than i. or as the saying goes, i do not judge them just because they sin differently than i do.
its just that i am not used to being in this type of environment. i grew up in a nice city, in an area where we knew all our neighbors. where i felt safe walking around my neighborhood alone. 

ever since i got married, and the thought of starting a family is as real as ever now, i long for the streets that i grew up in. i want my babies to be born into a safe welcoming lovely place. i don't want to have to worry about why 5 cops cars just came speeding onto my street every few days. or worry about drive by shootings a few houses down. yes that happened. 

so i continue dreaming of the time that will come....
i came home from my visits feeling just sick and sad. 

so i wallowed for a bit and started looking at houses on line. 
not to buy cause we have no money, but just to dream.

would you like to see my dream.....

this house.
it is perfection.

this is just blocks from where i grew up. 
when i see this house i see a home (owning it of course) i can see me coming home from the hospital with a brand new baby. my visiting teachers coming to see our new bundle of joy. my next door neighbor bringing dinner over because she knows what a huge help it is with a new baby, i see block parties and backyard parties with our neighbors and families (you have to see the yard....go here. and while you are there, look at the rest of the pics and dream along with me). 

i feel like this dream will never become a reality.
woe is me right?

sometimes dreams just seem impossible sometimes.
or so far off. especially when it is something that you want so badly.
so until we win the lottery or our long lost millionaire relative decides to show up and hook us up, 
i will keep dreaming.

unless any of you have $200k to spare?!

1 comment:

  1. I know 100% how you feel. I know where you bought if I remember correctly. When Jon and I first were married and was pregnant we looked in your area. I told Jon I would rather rent then live in that area and not feel safe to walk around my block alone my exact words. So we ended up further North. I would love to move to our home town eventually. But I also really love where we live now, its much better then our first neighborhood. It will happen in due time just keep having faith.

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