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Wednesday, July 20, 2011

MARRIAGE ADVICE

before we got married i asked for some marriage advice.
i got lot's of great feedback via blog comments, facebook and email.
so i want to share it with all of you.
you/i may not agree with all of it, but there is some really good stuff in here so enjoy.
I am keeping these anonymous btw

i loved receiveing ALL of this advice. it really meant alot to hear from my close friends, family and loved ones who have been here before. it really gives me comfort to read this over and over and i will always cherish these words. thanks everybody
i have highlighed a few of the things that have stuck out to me in red and have added some of my own at the end in blue.


*******

Ashlee,
Hey saw your blog post and thought I'd share _____ and I's 2 cents.
Yes, marriage is hard. Everybody knows this. What everybody doesn't tell you is that you're going to fight. Sometimes alot. But that it's okay. Your marriage isn't doomed if you fight. Most of the time we go to bed angry when we fight lol. The important thing for _____ and I is how we move on and deal with the things that we fought about. Most of the time we just let it go. Other times we fight it out.


Another thing is that there will always be something that the other person does that irritates you. Lots of little things. They always will. Never changes.


Also, its good to have alone time sometimes. It's okay. It doesn't mean you hate your spouse. Just something people need.


*******


Always always have time to go on dates before you have kids, i sure miss that alot with kids and school, yeah i wish i waited to have them but i don't regret it. get to know him before you rush into having kids (unless it's the lords will and of course your choice) i am sure people tell you that always go on dates even if it's a walk at the park.



don't be afraid to show your love to eachother in public, who cares who is watching you make it fun.


tell him how you feel when he makes you sad it's okay to express your feelings wether it will hurts his feelings, guys will never understand us women, but it's important talking it out, and you can always fight, argue, talking NAKED it will be solved quickly! :) don't asume something if you do and he gets home from work and your mad and he doesn't know what he has done there will be a fight. just tel him i feel this way, try not to point and say YOU, always try to talk with saying I. make sense? lol


always take turns to visit his family and your family, there might be times where youdon't want to see his family but go with him anyways. you have to share both sides.


always say i love you, write little notes and put them in his pockets, lunches, hid them to suprise him. we used to do that all the time and i LOVED IT.


i am all ears if you need adivce, i've learned alot in 7 years there are alot of things i wish i changed when we were first married but you learn as you grow together. it's not that bad like people say, you will have so much fun.


********
 
 
I have been married twice and I think that the most valuable thing I learned is to trust myself and my feelings. I used to cry myself to sleep several nights a week and I thought that this was normal and that marriage was just hard but it felt wrong. Now I know that is not a true marriage. Marriage can be fun and reassuring. It is not always a love fest or a party but even days when I'm bugged with my husband I am comforted by the fact that we have each other to face the world with. I haven't cried myself to sleep one time since I've been married this time and now I can't believe I thought that that was normal! Even people who meant well were telling me that it was and that you go through "tough times" in marriages and to stick it out. I don't think you ever will be in that boat but if you find yourself in that situation I'd say go ahead and get out. Life is too short to be that miserable all of the time.
I have also learned to ask clearly for what I want. For example, instead of sighing and saying "I guess I'll go to the store to get stuff to make dinner" I'll just tell him what I want, why I want it, and ask him to do it and nine times out of ten he will do it. So I'd say, "Honey I had a long day at work and I would appreciate it if you would go to the store and pick this up, would you do that for me?" Trust me, this works SOOOOO much better.
Also I have learned to talk about things while they are small so that they don't turn into big things. My husband and I joke about how we talk so much about the little things that bug us but that way they don't get bigger. We've even had discussion about the lid on the dish soap.


These are my top three advices( is that even a word? :-) ) for marriage. Good luck! I am sure that it will have it's ups and downs but more ups than downs and you'll love it!
 
 
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Sometimes _____ and I think it IS ACTUALLY BETTER to go to bed angry!! Sometimes it's not even worth fighting about, and when you wake up, things are forgotten, and fresh and you didn't spend half the night hashing out something silly that just needed time to blow over. Sometimes a nights sleep gives you better understanding and perspective, if you ask me! :)
 
 
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Im not married haha but my old young adult leaders in my homeward said some of their favorite advice someone gave them once was that no matter how mad you are at each other, no one is allowed to sleep on the couch or the floor!
 
 
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Fight naked. Not kidding, its nearly impossible to keep fighting because you are laughing. Tmi? Maybe, but it works! 
 
 
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My advice is to always read scriptures and pray together EVERY SINGLE DAY. I'm sure you've been told that one a few times but it is a good one and it is amazing the difference you feel when you do:)


Also, don't get mad at him if he is not doing something the way you would do it (like cleaning, cooking, and parenting). And just remember that it is a choice to be happy and to love your spouse. It is not spontaneous all the time, you have to choose it again and again and again...

And ps.
I gained 25lbs in my 1st year of marriage...ha!


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I know I haven't been married that long but ill give you some....:)



_____and I are both stubborn sometimes. ..so if you Are that way you need to just let go of some things...


Also I would just say its not a competition and also surprise him whether it be by somethjng you plan, purchase or wear: ) you'll love being married!!
 
 
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Sometimes you just need to let it go. That is so hard for me I am stubborn and emotional but sometimes you need to just let go of the stupid things. And you do sometimes need to go to bed angry and let things cool. Just be happy he is cleaning and if you don't like how he did it either redo when he isn't looking or say I really appreciate you doing that next time maybe do this.... but don't get mad or nag because then he will stop. Keep up with your friends and go out every once in awhile for yourself so you won't resent him when he does. COMPROMISE but don't be the only one comprimising.


*******

Know who you marry, having my "starter husband" helped me figure that one out fast;) but really, you will be at fault sometimes too. When you fight hold your tongue so you dont say something mean (cause you WILL fight) its not a competition, and your on the same team. take a vacation together at least once a year. Even if its camping or a quick weekend in st george, esp after the kiddos arrive. Its amazing what alone time can do when your out of your normal routine. You started off as friends and became lovers so remember that he's your best friend and try to treat him he way you treat a bedt friend, daily life can wear you down and youve got to keep it real.

Take lots of pictures. Start your own traditions.


Love you!
                    *******

When we first got married we had what we call "friday night fights" for some reason we would fight almost every friday night, they were all stupid and only lasted a few months, I used to get upset a lot easier then I do now. It is normal to argue, I think it's healthier to get some things out in the open and learn about each other and what upsets one another so you can work on it and avoide future problems. There are still things that annoy me at times, but we get though it. Yes marriage can be hard but I would never give it up, the good times far out wiegh the bad, even when I'm so upset and just fumming I still know I love him more then anything. I agree to read scriptures and praying together daily it really stregthens your marriage and brings you closer together. Serve each other it makes them feel loved and makes your love for them stronger as well.  it's a choice to love him, keep choosing that again and again. Try not to be selfish that's when problems start to arise, that is easier said then done but it's the truth. Honestly though marriage is the best and you will love it even through all the ups and downs, it's the hard times that make you stronger.
 
 
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I agree that sometimes it's better to go to bed angry. Also, when you're fighting, don't walk away from each other, that's our biggest issue. We both do it, and it both makes the other one WAY angrier. Ha ha. And try not to let the little things get to you, socks on the floor, stuff like that. Most fights are over something stupid, and you need to learn how to pick your battles. Also, read the five love languages. I love that book! But really, marriage is amazing for the most part, try and enjoy it because it's hard when he's out of town for some reason and you realize you don't appreciate him as much as you should. :) Good luck and congrats!
 
 
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I am glad that everyone has agreed that sometimes it is better to go to bed angry. Really whoever came up with that gave the worst advice ever.
My advice to you would be this: don't share too many details with too many people. This applies to a couple of things, 1st don't share details of the bedroom. What happens in there is personal and sacred. When we were first married we had couple friends that were always talking about that stuff and I always felt I would be embarrassed if ____ ever did that and it might make me self conscious. We also had a member of the stake come talk to our married ward about it so it must be a problem.


2nd, one time when _____ and I had a fight I called my mom and told her all the details because I was upset. This was a bad move because I think it made her like _____ less. He said some things in the heat of the moment that he regrets and didn't really mean. I know that, but others will always be less quick to forgive them because they are protective of you.

And most of all just remember that you are in it for the long hall which means learning to fight fair, not being overly dramatic, and not being too proud to be the one who says I'm sorry.
Be selfless and considerate. If you are going to get yourself a glass of water, be considerate of your spouse and ask if they'd like one too, every time.
 Remember everyone has their quirks. My husband has ocd about washing our hands before touching electronics. I think it's weird but I comply because I know it's important to him.

Most of all, if you know now that he is "the one" now, know he's the one later. In other words the best way to avoid wondering if you married the right one, is by not. Just don't do it. Remember the answer you got when you prayed and don't doubt it.
Oh and of course monthly temple attendance and keep your lives centered around the gospel.
 
 
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so far, being married has been great. it has definitely had its ups and downs (already). based on my 3 week experience of marriage, here is my advice and things to realize:
 
don't pick out the things he ISN'T doing, pick out the things he IS doing. (this one has been hard for me at times, sadly. but I am making it a point to do this)
 
romance doesn't just happen. you have to create it
 
know that you will fight (and maybe alot) but that is normal
 
know that being married WILL be an adjusment for at least one of you if not both. (I didn't think that it would be that big of an adjustment, but it has been for me)
 
try to continue doing the things that helped you fall in love with eachother. (laughing, cuddling, making out, compliments, dates) just becuase you are married doesn't mean those things need/should to stop
 
be sure to speak eachothers love language, and if you or he is lacking at doing so, STRIVE to change that. it will do wonders
 
seek eachother. alone time is always good, but when you dont have that alone time anymore (church, callings, family, school etc.) still SEEK eachother. when you are in a large group, find him and make sure he/she knows that although you're in a big group and may have other priorities or thoughts going on, he/she is still in your mind.
 
As far as sex goes:
I have read alot about this in some great LDS books and have had some realizations that I think are important for people to know.
one thing that has stuck with me is that men need sex. like women need love and nurturing and emotional connection, men physiologically need sex. i may not always want it, but he will and more than just wanting it, they need it. I think it is important to keep that in mind. Not only is it a bonding, growing experience, but they need it. So the times when i may not 'be in the mood' i remember this. and think, well he might not always be in the mood to emotionally connect with me or whatever. Its give and take to fulfill eachothers needs. So give....and take!
 
 TMI? too bad. thats what this blog has come to. I am married now and for some reason feel like I can say whatever I want in cyber space. cause i can. cause i'm real. and casue i'm going through real things that lot's of other people have and are going through as well! and because it is impowering to me when i read about people going through the sames things i am or having the same thoughts i am or the same questions. so that's what I am doing.
I am not afraid to be real and put it out there. if you don't like it, you can stop reading =) but I hope you don't
 
 
lastly, and this is for the singles, who are or will be getting married, ever.
 
SHORT ENGAGEMENTS!!!
we were engaged 2 months and I couldn't have waited any longer.  
 
Lastly, here are just a few words that I feel are very important in a marriage:
  • willingness
  • strive
  • adjust
  • selfless
  • joint/ONE
  • encouragement
  • seek

 
 
                                                       whew! this is a really long post!
                                                  but well worth the read in my opinion!
 
Enjoy!
 


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